Being Rob Ford

Imagine you were Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, obscenely obese, male chauvinist pig, detested like Rush Limbaugh for your boorishness and person accused of dozens of unproved crimes. You have just been accused of being brain-fried enough to let yourself be filmed smoking crack. There are several witnesses to the film, but the alleged film itself is being held ransom for the highest bidder. This scandal has gone viral world wide. You are a laughing stock in every spot on the planet. Let us assume you are innocent. What would you do?

You would go to the police and ask them to test you for crack use (nothing else, please). If you are innocent you can wave the paper and confidently dismiss the video as a fake.

If you are guilty, this would not work. It would just confirm your guilt and someone would be sure to leak the result. So, you have to somehow destroy the master video and all copies. Pretty well the only way you could do that is to have all your tormentors killed. If they were killed, you would be the prime suspect. Your phone is probably tapped and you are probably being tailed just in case you try that. You might try outbidding the newspapers for the video. But those with the video are drug pushers (professional criminals) and would happily sell copies to other parties which would ruin you. So pretty much all you can do is hide out in the men’s room and pray for a miracle. Here’s a hail-Mary thought. Perhaps you could buy a copy of the video and bribe an expert or two to declare it a fake. Or you could just fess up and ask innocently, Doesn’t everyone smoke crack? What’s the big deal?

~ Roedy (1948-02-04 age:69)