A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 26
How to Tell if a Guy is Gay

But sex is only a part of our relationship. I cannot put my feelings about the other parts into words so I will have to be content with citing a few awkward-sounding examples. Ordeals such as facing a professor to explain why I have not got my term project ready on time are no longer the stomach-cramping tortures they used to be. In some strange way it feels as though Ben is right behind me backing me up. Everyday chores like looking dinner are not such drudgery because I know I am doing them for him. With Ben I feel completely at ease. It is impossible to think of my love for him as being in any way wrong. I feel proud of my homosexuality.

I probably sound like a young groom still on his honeymoon who has yet to run into the grim realities of married life, but I’m learning quickly. We get on each other’s nerves at times — trivial things such as forgetting to put the shaving cream back in the cupboard, or over-spicing the meat can develop into minor battles if we are both tired and grumpy. Living close to someone as a lover is definitely more of a strain than living with someone just as a roommate.

Then there are the nights when we walk home from the club holding hands, or when we go to a movie and he puts his head on my shoulder, or late at night after all the guests have gone when we crawl into bed together and he puts his arms around me, when I would not trade places with anyone else on earth. The perceptive reader may have realized that almost all of what I have said about gay marriages is equally applicable to straight ones.

 The perceptive reader will therefore have already grasped the next point I am going to make. The perceptive reader may skip the rest of this paragraph.

 So much is made of the differences between the homosexual and the heterosexual that the similarities are often overlooked. Homosexuals work at the same jobs, drink at the same pubs, go to the same movies and live in the same districts as heterosexuals. They have the same problems and the same dreams.

How to Tell if a Guy is Gay

For each statement that applies to your suspect add on the associated number of points.
He is effeminate (4)
He wears white shoes (5)
He wears tight pants (5)
He is very studious and very involved in his work (6)
He was fat as a young guy but has recently lost a lot of weight (6)
He does not appreciate surprise visits (7)
He does not enjoy talking about girls (7)
He tries to keep you from meeting his male friends (8)
His hair is always in place even after he has done violent exercise (9)
He wears a ring on his little finger (9)
He has a large number of male friends (9)
He spends a lot of money on clothes (10)
He is a body builder (10)
He has no girlfriend (10)
He lives with another guy in a 1 bedroom highrise apartment (10)
He went to see The Boys in The Band(11)
He owns some piece of very wild clothing he never wears (to your knowledge) (12)
When asked about his love life he says it is complicated (12)
He likes reading Thomas Mann, Marcel Proust andré Gide or Jean Genet (13)
His fast dancing is salacious (14)
He lights his cigarette with a lot of finger motion (15)
By slip of the tongue, he calls a guy she or bitch (15)
He has a domineering mother (15)
He uses the word tacky (15)
He stares at other boys as he walks down the street (17)
He accidentally bumps into you frequently (17)
He protests too much when he has witnessed any gay behaviour (20)
He has a withdrawn father (20)
He talks about going to the clubs (20)
He brings up the subject of homosexuality in conversation (20)
He goes out at 11:00 P.M. And does not come back till the next day (20)
He is a florist, hair dresser, actor or computer programmer (20)
By slip of the tongue he calls someone his husband or lover (30)
Alone with you late at night he shivers or becomes excited (30)
Now that you have carefully totalled all the points I can tell you that the final score is useless — there is no way (save making a pass) of telling if a guy is gay or not.

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