Roedy Green, Living Lover
©1996-2017 Roedy Green of Canadian Mind Products
Vital Statistics
I am 70 years
years old,
single, a Gay White Male, 6’2½" tall, 209
pounds, with brown hair and blue eyes, HIV (Human Immuno-deficiency Virus)
+. I write computer
programs for a living. Click for a professional bio or an extended classified ad for a life partner. I live in Victoria, BC
Canada.
First Contact
I first met Ken Keyes in 1976 when he
came to Vancouver to speak at a conference. I first saw Ken beaming away, barrelling
along in his electric wheelchair. I thought, "how odd that someone in a wheelchair
could be so happy". I talked with two of his people, David a handsome blond surfer,
and Wade Laughter. David impressed me because he was so incredibly handsome and yet he
still gave me a memorable long, loving hug right out in public. He did not care if people
might think he was gay. Wade impressed me with his honesty in talking about his
relationship with Debby Hamm. I was deeply suspicious that most spiritual teachers were
feeding me BS. I wanted to be like these three.
Workshops
I went to my first workshop in 1977 June in
Berkeley. I continued to go once or twice a year right up until Ken’s death in
1995. I held mini Living Love workshops in my home that
attracted up to 40 people. They were pretty wild and crazy where everyone laughed
themselves silly, even though we dealt with serious issues like being raped or
infidelity. I was big on getting people to dress up as the various troublemakers in their
lives and re-enact the scenes. For example, I would put a nightgown on a man who was
having trouble with his wife and make him play the rôle of his wife. He would have
to coach the other actors so they could reasonably realistically reproduce the original
traumatic incident.
A few years before he died, Ken asked me to be the head trainer in Oregon. I refused
because I felt I was too depressed, even though I had a thorough technical knowledge of
the methods.
Addictions
The top ten addictions of my life were, in roughly
descending order:
- Wanting my lover Jimmy,
who dumped me, to return, or at least to acknowledge my existence. [mostly handled]
- Fear of demonic
possession. [handled]
- Not wanting to be gay. [handled]
- Wanting a well-hung black
lover. (I did get this one satisfied.) [still
troublesome]
- Dealing with a pair of embezzlers I thought were my friends. [handled]
- Fear of needles. [handled]
- Fear of running out of money when I was too ill to work. [still troublesome]
- Wanting to be free of the nausea associated with AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome).
[mostly handled]
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men. [still
troublesome]
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution,
overpopulation) [still troublesome]
The addiction that causes me the most trouble now is dealing with rejection from
younger gay men. It may come as a surprise that having AIDS
and fear of dying were never that much of a problem. I dealt with accepting being gay
long before I even heard of Living Love. I did it simply by being around other people who
accepted themselves.
I no longer post my daily addiction diary online. I had too many complaints from
people embarrassed or angry that I had addictions involving them. If you are seriously
interested in learning about how you might do you own daily addiction diary, I would
consider sending you a copy on the understanding you don’t pass it around.
Outstanding Addictions
The top addictions that continue to give me grief are:
- Worry about having money to pay for the rent and food.
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution,
overpopulation)
- Wanting to do something very important that will leave a lasting legacy after I
die.
- Wanting a long term relationship with a male partner.
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men.
- Anger at Christians who try to take away civil rights from homosexuals.
- Embarrassment about excess fat on my tummy.
- Embarrassment about the HIV-related fungus infection of my toenails.
- Not wanting to grow old.
- Shame that I am losing my hair. This one is giving me much less trouble than it did
earlier this year. I am giving myself permission to be bald just like other 53 year
olds.
Addictions are intertwined. I need to look healthy, trim and young to attract a
lover. It is amusing to see the global (ecological collapse) and the petty (toenails)
side by side.
Strictly speaking these are not addictions, but addictive areas. I can pinpoint dozens
of more specific demands supporting each of the general demands I specified.
I want to find out if I should change life directions and stop doing
computer work and work with people instead. This workshop will be a test of whether I
have the skill to do that.
I am very nostalgic. I want to see as many people from my past as possible. I hope
this will give them an excuse to come visit.
I hope to share the benefits of my 24 years of real-life
experience with the methods. It would be great to save someone some of the effort I went
through getting rid of my addictions. Quite often the key is an insight, a reframing, a
novel way of viewing the problem. An addiction can disappear in a flash. It does not
always have to be hard work!
I will likely focus on my #1 outstanding addiction, dealing with rejection from
younger gay men. Over the year preparing for this workshop I have been able to see
younger gay men not just as gods, but also as fallible humans in rubber boy suits. I can
sometimes laugh at them or even feel pity when they are supercilious taking vain pride in
their youth, something they achieved without effort and that will soon pass.
I am often plagued with a general malaise, just a wish I were dead. It is as though
the game of life is not worth the candle. I am just too tired to play. The ordinary
activities of life (doing the dishes, brushing my teeth, laundry, buying
groceries…) seem overwhelmingly onerous. Perhaps I can break this down into a
large number of specific manageable addictive demands. At the root of them is extreme
resentment at spending time on things without any potential for grand significance.
