Baby Naming

If you are about you name a baby, boy or girl, you might like to read this essay. It is not primarily a list of possible names. It is a checklist for your candidate names to make sure you don’t pick a name that you or your child will regret. These are not hard and fast rules, just things you might want to consider:

Use an unusual name rather than an unusual spelling. Unusual spellings will get corrected in every database causing computers to routinely lose your child lifelong.

The purpose of a name is to make clear whom you are talking about. John is not much help.

Make sure the initials do not say something idiotic, like C.R.A.P.. Before you settle on a name for your new baby, make the initials into a word and look it up on Google, e.g. Robert Allan Jones ⇒ RAJ and make sure the result has positive connotations. You want to avoid initial combinations like T.I.T., S.H.I.T., P.O.O. etc. or those sorts of words in foreign languages. Also be aware that initials have an alternate meaning when spoken, e.g. I. P. Nightly.

Names should have clear gender. Ambiguity means your kid will be tormented and beat up every day.

Names should not rhyme with pejoratives, e.g. Kit the shit. Kids can be guaranteed to be cruel.

The name has to work from age 0 to 100, so you don’t want anything too cute or trendy. An overly fashionable name will soon be as dated as bell bottoms.

If you convert to the Muslim faith, you will be expected to take on an Arabic name — Mohammed is the most popular. Muslims give their children Arabic names, even when they come from quite different cultures. I think this is improper — children should chose their Arabic names when they formally choose to join the faith as a young adult. It is presumptuous to give them one as an infant.

Of course, Christians do the same thing. We don’t notice because most of the common Canadian/American/British names have Christian associations:

Adam, Calvin, Chris, Daniel, David, Deborah, Delilah, Ethan, Isaac, James, John, Joseph, Judith, Julia, Luke, Mark, Martha, Mary, Matthew, Michael, Oprah, Paul, Peter, Philip, Rebecca, Sean, Sebastian, Thomas, Tim, Veronica…

Some parents give their children archaic biblical names to unmistakably brand them as Christian/Jewish e.g:

Abner, Absolam, Beulah, Caleb, Christy, Christine, Ebenezer, Enoch, Esau, Gabriel, Jared, Javan, Jehosophat, Jemimah, Jethro, Joshua, Lazarus, Luther, Methusela, Micah, Mordecai, Moses, Noah, Phineas, Sampson, Seth, Uriah, Zachariah, Zackary…

Muslim parents almost invariably pick non-Christian names from the Qur’an. Converts are expected to pick a new name from the Qur’an. There are not that many names to choose from. That is why you see Mohammed, Omar, Ahmed, Ali, Youssef, Abdul Rahman and Abdullah so frequently.

It would be more respectful of parents to give their children religion-neutral names and let their children optionally pick a new name at a coming of age ceremony. What would be suitable religion-neutral temporary names?

Aidan, Albert, Alfred, Allen, Amelia, Anders, Arn, Astrid, Barry, Bernard, Bjorn, Brent, Brian, Brianna, Bruce, Cade, Cameron, Charles, Carl, Cary, Charlotte, Cinnamon, Clifford, Clint, Chloe, Connor, Conrad, Croft, Curtis, Cyrus, Dag, Dallas, Daphne, Dmitri, Donald, Donatello, Duncan, Dustin, Dylan, Eric, Erika, Federico, Felix, Frederick, Gary, Geneva, George, Gertrude, Gore, Gregory, Gunnar, Halle, Harry, Herman, Henry, Hugh, Jackson, Justin, Karen, Katherine, Kerry, Knute, Kurt, Larry, Leif, Leo, Leonard, Leonardo, Liam, Linda, Logan, Martin, Manus, Murray, Nadia, Neil, Niall, Nicholas, Nicole, Nils, Oliver, Pepper, Poppy, Ralph, Randolf, Ren, Riu, Ronald, Rudolf, Richard, Robert, Roger, Roy, Rufus, Rupert, Ryan, Sander, Sandra, Sandro, Sasha, Scott, Sean, Shane, Shannon, Stephen, Svend, Tara, Taylor, Terry, Travis, Trevor, Tyler, Walter, William… There are so many saints, it is hard to avoid those names.

It would be wise to Google the most popular baby names for the current year and avoid them. Back when I was a child, John was unusually popular. We had four Johns in our class to cause confusion.

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Baby Naming

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