Tennessee Law Book

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©1996-2017 Roedy Green of Canadian Mind Products

Original copyright by Joseph Busche and Bill Curry.

Formatted into HTML (Hypertext Markup Language), headings added and spell-checked by Roedy Green of Canadian Mind Products. Permission is granted to reproduce this document for non-commercial purposes as long as the copyright is included.

Introduction

Here is how Tennessee Law Book would look, if the religious right got more power in Tennessee.

Laziness

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-513 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That young boys and men shall not be lazy.
  2. That those believed to be lazy shall be stoned to death, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 21:18-21.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, rock throwing shall be mandatory in all physical education and kinesics classes and a suitable fraction of rocks in State owned quarries shall be reserved for use by parents who suspect their son of laziness, gluttony, or drunkenness.

Defecation

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-514 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. Men shall have a paddle upon their weapon, where weapon includes swords, guns, bows, spears and slings or any other device which may be used to smite heathens,
  2. And, when any man eases himself abroad, by which is meant defecation in any area other than personal or public restrooms, that he dig a hole and bury the stool a minimum of 1 cubit below ground, so that the Lord shall not see it or step on it, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:13-14.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all guns and swords must pass a state inspection. Any man owning a defective gun or sword shall be fined $100 and must attend a mandatory stool burying class, to be called Deep Shit. Any person who has abandoned a turd without proper burial shall be fined $500 and be labeled a Deadbeat Defecator. In addition, funds shall be appropriated for a feline training program, whereby stray cats shall be trained and released to bury all yard sausage for which the defecator cannot be found.

Rape

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-515 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:

  1. Any man who is convicted of raping an unbetrothed virgin shall give unto her father 50 shekels,
  2. And, the man shall marry the victim and she shall be his wife forever. He may not divorce her for any reason, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 22:28-29.

To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee shall create monetary exchange stations in convenient proximity to locations where many rapists congregate: including but not limited to, fraternity houses, ghettos, college campuses, rock concert arenas and high schools. Furthermore, a large allocation of shekels shall be provided to tux rental shops to handle the increased demand following prom night. On all shekel transactions, the exchange rate shall be pegged to the market, with the current exchange rate being 3.17 shekels to the dollar, for a current fine of $15.77.

Further, notes: All rapists are hereby granted clemency and shall be released from prison and be married immediately to the woman who accused them of rape. what God has joined together, let no man tear asunder!

Testicular Impairment

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-516 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. Any man who has had his testicles crushed or cut off
  2. Or, any man who has had his penis cut off for any reason, shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship; as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:1.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates a police task force to examine the genitals of men and boys attempting to enter into a place of worship. Any man or boy found to have wounded gonads shall be barred from entering. Those barred entrance shall be encouraged to become eunuchs so that they can still be blessed by the Lord as the Bible says in Isaiah 56:4-5.

Constitutionality Note: This law in no way respects an establishment of religion, nor encourages the same. This standard of worship shall apply to all religions equally.

The State reiterates its support for encouraging worship of the Deity and to further these ends an educational film titled Searching for Bobbitt’s Pisser shall be created to train males to protect their 'nads' and to teach them what to do in case of an accident.

Illegitimacy

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-517 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. Any person of illegitimate birth (henceforth to be called a bastard) shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship; where illegitimate birth is defined as any person whose parents were not married at the time of their birth.
  2. Further, any person who has a bastard anywhere in their ancestry back to the tenth generation shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship. Any inbred person lacking 1024 grandparents in the tenth generation due to multiple intersections in their family tree does not have to trace back further than the tenth generation.
  3. Any person who is an Ammonite or a Moabite shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship.
  4. Any person who has an Ammonite or Moabite in their family tree back unto the tenth generation shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship; as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:2-3.
  5. Any person unable to trace their family tree back ten generations, shall be proclaimed a de facto bastard, an Ammonite and a Moabite.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates a genealogy task force to examine the family trees of all citizens and residents of the state. Once proper genealogies have been verified, each person determined to be a bastard must wear a 'B' on their clothing at all times. Any Ammonite must wear an 'A' on their clothing at all times. Any Moabite must wear an 'M' on their clothing at all times. Police may demand documentation of a suitable family tree of any person attempting to enter a place of worship and a person unable to provide this proof shall be incarcerated until such time as proof is supplied. The penalty for not wearing the proper identification mark is $200. Repeat offenders shall have the letter tattooed on their forehead.

Constitutionality Note: This law in no way respects an establishment of religion, nor encourages the same. This standard of worship shall apply to all religions equally.

Swearing

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-518 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. that it is unlawful for any man to curse: where curse words include but are not limited to; fuck, shit, damn, God damn, God damnit, bitch, hell, butt, ass, asshole, fag, faggot, gay, hummer, dick, prick, crap, queer, boobs, melons, knocker, ta-ta’s, breasts, suck, slip the salami and any other words or phrases that may be deemed objectionable.
  2. And, that any person convicted of uttering such profanity shall be stoned to DEATH as ordered by God in Leviticus 24:14.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates an anti-profanity division in the Department of the Interior and funds shall be allocated to purchase and place listening devices in areas where cursers are known to congregate, such as: sports bars, sports arenas, truck stops, construction sites, atheist homes, comedy clubs, motor repair shops, river boats on the Mississippi River and Tourette’s syndrome clinics.

Menstruation

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-519 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That any menstruating woman is unclean and shall not appear in public; she shall stay at home while on her period;
  2. Anyone who touches a menstruating woman is unclean and they shall wash their clothes and take a bath and not go out in public again that day;
  3. Anything a menstruating woman lies or sits upon is unclean and must be washed and not used that day;
  4. At the conclusion of her 7 day sickness, the woman shall take either 2 pigeons or 2 turtledoves and have the local preacher sacrifice them to the lord, as ordered by God in Leviticus 15:19-33.
  5. Further, any man who copulates with a menstruating woman has uncovered the fountain of her blood and is ceremonially defiled. Both he and the woman shall be exiled from Tennessee, never to return, as ordered by God in Leviticus 20:18.
Any woman caught in public while menstruating shall be incarcerated until such time as her bleeding stops and another 7 days to ensure that she is clean. Any man caught with a woman’s flowers upon him shall be banished from Tennessee along with the woman he had sex with. They shall be placed on the next Greyhound bus leaving Tennessee.

Sabbath Restrictions

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-520 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That Sunday, the seventh day (henceforth called the Sabbath), shall be Holy as stated in Exodus 16:23;
  2. That it is unlawful for anyone to cook food on the Sabbath, as ordered by God in Exodus 16:25;
  3. That it is unlawful to gather or seek out food in any way on the Sabbath, as ordered by God in Exodus 16:26 ;
  4. That it is unlawful for anyone to leave their home on the Sabbath as ordered by God in Exodus 16:29;
  5. That it is unlawful for any work to be done on the Sabbath by people, slaves, or animals as ordered by God in Exodus 20:10 ;
  6. That it is unlawful to make a fire on the Sabbath, as ordered by God in Exodus 35:3;
  7. That the punishment for breaking this law is death by stoning, as ordered by God in Numbers 15:32-36 and Exodus 31:14 and Exodus 35:2.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby reserves a sufficient quantity of rocks in State owned quarries to stone those found cooking food, leaving their house, doing any work, starting a fire, or in any other way profaning the Sabbath.

Clothing

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-521 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That all clothing worn in the State of Tennessee must have four tassels upon them, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 22:12.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all people caught wearing clothes without four tassels shall be immediately stripped, their clothes burned and all the people shall gaze upon their nakedness.

Bobbit Clause

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-522 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That it is unlawful for any woman to touch a man’s testicles with the intention of harming him;
  2. That any woman touching a man’s testicles with intention to harm him, must have her hand cut off,
  3. That it is unlawful for anybody to pity her, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 25:11-12.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all lumberjacks must be trained and licensed in using an axe to amputate a woman’s hand. Furthermore, all people observing an amputation must cheer for joy. Any man caught pitying the woman shall be hit in his testicles so that he may see why the punishment is just. Any woman caught pitying her shall be fined 50 dollars.

Battlements

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-523 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That all houses built in the State of Tennessee must have a battlement upon the roof, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 22:8.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all houses without a battlement upon the roof must be immediately burned and all buildings to be built in the future must be certified by the State to have a battlement.

Usury

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-524 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That no lender or lending institution shall charge interest on loans made to needy people, as ordered by God in Exodus 22:25 ;
  2. That no lender or lending institution shall charge interest on loans made to residents of Tennessee, but loans made to non-residents of Tennessee may accrue interest, as ordered by God in Leviticus 25:36-37 and in Deuteronomy 23:19-20.
  3. That all debts, except those made to non-Tennesseans, must be canceled every seventh year, beginning with fiscal year 1996, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 15:1-3.
  4. Further, no person or lending institution may refuse to loan money to any person or business for any reason save not having the money to loan, as ordered by God in Luke 6:35.
And to provide for the fulfillment of the law, the Tennessee Banking Commission shall monitor all loans made within the State of Tennessee to ensure that they are serviced properly. Any bank or individual who charges interest to a Tennessean, shall have their assets frozen until such time as the General Accounting Office can assess how much interest should be returned to the lendee. Further, any bank or individual refusing to loan money to an individual or business, shall have their assets seized and given to the loan applicants on a first come, first serve basis.

All current loans are now declared interest free and the state of Tennessee will no longer pay any interest on state issued bonds.

Niggers and other Foreigners

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-525 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That all peoples who are descendants of Ham, Noah’s son, are supposed to be slaves according to God’s will in Genesis 7:21-27. The descendants of Ham are given in the Bible in Genesis 10 and they include the Cushites (modern day Negroes), Mizraites (modern day Aborigines), Phutites (modern day Melanesians, Micronesians and Polynesians) and the Canaanites (modern day Palestinians).
  2. That all Negroes, Aborigines, Melanesians, Micronesians and Polynesians are to return to their rightful owners from before the Emancipation Proclamation.
  3. That all peoples ordered by God to be slaves who cannot discover their rightful owner shall turn themselves over to the State of Tennessee to be sold as slaves.
  4. That slaves shall be sold by the State back to the rightful owners at the Biblically prescribed values for slaves given in Leviticus 27:1-8, as follows:
    males from 20-60 years old 50 shekels
    females from 20-60 years old 30 shekels
    males from 5-20 years old 20 shekels
    females from 5-20 years old 10 shekels
    males from 1 month-5 years old 5 shekels
    females from 1 month-5 years old 3 shekels
    males older than 60 15 shekels
    females older than 60 10 shekels
    any slaves with deformities may be sold for less according
    to the value that a priest shall
    assign.
    Note: All transactions are pegged to the dollar with 3.17 shekels currently equaling 1 dollar.
  5. That slavery is an everlasting institution and that slaves must obey their masters in everything as ordered by God in Leviticus 25:44-46, Deuteronomy 15:17, Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22, and Titus 2:9.
  6. That masters may beat their slave as much as they want as long as the slave does not die the same day as the beating as ordered by God in Exodus 21:20-21.
  7. That a father may sell his daughter to pay off his debts. She shall be a slave forever as ordered by God in Exodus 21:7-11.
  8. That all other people who are not Tennesseans may be bought and sold as slaves as ordered by God in Leviticus 25:44-46.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates the Tennessee Department of Slavery to determine who belongs to whom so that slaves may be returned to their rightful owners. All slaves must be registered with the Department and must be branded with their registration number. Further, those Tennesseans who know of people who are rightfully their slave may immediately capture them, brand them and put them to work. Further, the State hereby authorizes Universities and High Schools to purchase slaves to play on their sports teams. In addition, the Department of Slavery shall be empowered to hunt down runaway slaves and may set up border patrols to prevent escape into surrounding heathen states.

Masturbation

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-511 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. Men shall not spill their seed upon the ground.
  2. Any man who spills his seed upon the ground is unclean
  3. When any uncleanliness chanceth upon any man by night, he shall remove himself from the city limits until evening as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:10-11.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, a state-wide bussing program will be enacted in the chartered cities of this state, henceforth to be called the Wet Dream Express.

Textiles

Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-12-512 ?): [*23]

We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
  1. That it is unlawful for any person to wear any garments of mixed fabrics: including but not limited to codpieces, shirts, blouses, brassieres, pants, slacks, socks, shoes, boxer shorts, briefs, underwear, panties, prophylactics, slips, hats, scarfs, mufflers, arm bands, hair ties, headbands, skorts, sashes, longjohns, slippers, galoshes, bandanas, space suits, wet suits, aprons, labcoats, face masks, leg warmers, spandex tights, condoms, bustiers, belts, boots, or any other object which may be construed in a court of law as a garment; where by mixed fabrics is meant any fabric containing more than one of the following: cotton, linen, wool, felt, silk, burlap, flax, twill, oilcloth, wood, bone, hair, foam, styrofoam, plastic, leather, feathers, fur, grass, straw, plastic, hemp, shells, cambric, acetate, acrylic, aramid, glass, metallic, paper, modacrylic, nylon, olefin, polyester, rayon, rubber, saran, spandex, triacetate, or any other textile or fiber now in existence or to be developed in the future. This includes metal support wires in bras, as ordered by God in Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:11.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all garments in stores statewide containing mixed fabrics shall be burned and any person found wearing such a garment shall be stripped, their garments burned and all the people shall gaze upon their nakedness.

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