by Roedy Green ©1996-2008 Canadian Mind Products
Original copyright by Joseph
Busche and Bill Curry.
Formatted into HTML, headings added and spell-checked by Roedy
Green of Canadian Mind Products. Permission is granted to reproduce this
document for non-commercial purposes as long as the copyright is included.
Introduction
Here is how Tennessee Law Book would look, if the religious right got more power
in Tennessee.
Laziness
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-513 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That young boys and men shall not be lazy.
- That those believed to be lazy shall be stoned to death, as ordered by God
in Deuteronomy 21:18-21.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, rock throwing shall be mandatory in
all physical education and kinesics classes, and a suitable fraction of rocks in
State owned quarries shall be reserved for use by parents who suspect their son
of laziness, gluttony, or drunkenness.
Defecation
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-514 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- Men shall have a paddle upon their weapon, where weapon includes swords, guns,
bows, spears, and slings or any other device which may be used to smite heathens,
- And, when any man eases himself abroad, by which is meant defecation in any area
other than personal or public restrooms, that he dig a hole and bury the stool a
minimum of 1 cubit below ground, so that the Lord shall not see it or step on it,
as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:13-14.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all guns and swords must pass a state
inspection. Any man owning a defective gun or sword shall be fined $100 and must
attend a mandatory stool burying class, to be called "Deep Shit".
Any person who has abandoned a turd without proper burial shall be fined $500
and be labeled a "Deadbeat Defecator." In addition, funds shall
be appropriated for a feline training program, whereby stray cats shall be
trained and released to bury all yard sausage for which the defecator cannot be
found.
Rape
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-515 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- Any man who is convicted of raping an unbetrothed virgin shall give unto her
father 50 shekels,
- And, the man shall marry the victim and she shall be his wife forever. He may
not divorce her for any reason, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy
22:28-29.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee shall create
monetary exchange stations in convenient proximity to locations where many
rapists congregate: including but not limited to, fraternity houses, ghettos,
college campuses, rock concert arenas, and high schools. Furthermore, a large
allocation of shekels shall be provided to tux rental shops to handle the
increased demand following prom night. On all shekel transactions, the exchange
rate shall be pegged to the market, with the current exchange rate being 3.17
shekels to the dollar, for a current fine of $15.77.
Further notes: All rapists are hereby granted clemency, and
shall be released from prison and be married immediately to the woman who
accused them of rape. what God has joined together, let no man tear
asunder!
Testicular Impairment
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-516 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- Any man who has had his testicles crushed or cut off
- Or, any man who has had his penis cut off for any reason, shall not enter
churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship; as ordered by God
in Deuteronomy 23:1.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates
a police task force to examine the genitals of men and boys attempting to enter
into a place of worship. Any man or boy found to have wounded gonads shall be
barred from entering. Those barred entrance shall be encouraged to become
eunuchs so that they can still be blessed by the Lord as the Bible says in Isaiah
56:4-5.
Constitutionality Note: This law in no way respects an establishment of religion,
nor encourages the same. This standard of worship shall apply to all religions
equally.
The State reiterates its support for encouraging worship of the Deity, and to
further these ends an educational film titled "Searching for Bobbitt’s
Pisser" shall be created to train males to protect their 'nads'
and to teach them what to do in case of an accident.
Illegitimacy
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-517 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- Any person of illegitimate birth (henceforth to be called a bastard) shall not
enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship; where
illegitimate birth is defined as any person whose parents were not married at
the time of their birth.
- Further, any person who has a bastard anywhere in their ancestry back to the
tenth generation shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places
of worship. Any inbred person lacking 1024 grandparents in the tenth generation
due to multiple intersections in their family tree does not have to trace back
further than the tenth generation.
- Any person who is an Ammonite or a Moabite shall not enter churches, synagogues,
mosques, or other places of worship.
- Any person who has an Ammonite or Moabite in their family tree back unto the
tenth generation shall not enter churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places
of worship; as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 23:2-3.
- Any person unable to trace their family tree back ten generations, shall be
proclaimed a de facto bastard, an Ammonite, and a Moabite.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates
a geneology task force to examine the family trees of all citizens and residents
of the state. Once proper geneologies have been verified, each person determined
to be a bastard must wear a 'B' on their clothing at all times. Any Ammonite
must wear an 'A' on their clothing at all times. Any Moabite must wear an 'M' on
their clothing at all times. Police may demand documentation of a suitable
family tree of any person attempting to enter a place of worship, and a person
unable to provide this proof shall be incarcerated until such time as proof is
supplied. The penalty for not wearing the proper identification mark is $200.
Repeat offenders shall have the letter tattooed on their forehead.
Constitutionality Note: This law in no way respects an establishment of religion,
nor encourages the same. This standard of worship shall apply to all religions
equally.
Swearing
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-518 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- that it is unlawful for any man to curse: where curse words include but are not
limited to; fuck, shit, damn, God damn, God damnit, bitch, hell,
butt, ass, asshole, fag, faggot, gay, hummer, dick, prick, crap, queer, boobs,
melons, knocker, ta-ta’s, breasts, suck, slip the salami, and any other
words or phrases that may be deemed objectionable.
- And, that any person convicted of uttering such profanity shall be stoned to
DEATH as ordered by God in Leviticus 24:14.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates
an anti-profanity division in the Department of the Interior, and funds shall be
allocated to purchase and place listening devices in areas where cursers are
known to congregate, such as: sports bars, sports arenas, truck stops,
construction sites, atheist homes, comedy clubs, motor repair shops, river boats
on the Mississippi River, and Tourette’s syndrome
clinics.
Menstruation
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-519 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That any menstruating woman is unclean and shall not appear in public; she shall
stay at home while on her period;
- Anyone who touches a menstruating woman is unclean and they shall wash their
clothes and take a bath and not go out in public again that day;
- Anything a menstruating woman lies or sits upon is unclean and must be washed
and not used that day;
- At the conclusion of her 7 day sickness, the woman shall take either 2 pigeons
or 2 turtledoves and have the local preacher sacrifice them to the lord, as
ordered by God in Leviticus 15:19-33.
- Further, any man who copulates with a menstruating woman has uncovered the
fountain of her blood and is ceremonially defiled. Both he and the woman shall
be exiled from Tennessee, never to return, as ordered by God in Leviticus
20:18.
Any woman caught in public while menstruating shall be incarcerated until such
time as her bleeding stops, and another 7 days to ensure that she is clean. Any
man caught with a woman’s flowers upon him shall be banished from
Tennessee along with the woman he had sex with. They shall be placed on the next
Greyhound bus leaving Tennessee.
Sabbath Restrictions
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-520 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That Sunday, the seventh day (henceforth called the Sabbath), shall be Holy as
stated in Exodus 16:23;
- That it is unlawful for anyone to cook food on the Sabbath, as ordered by God
in Exodus 16:25;
- That it is unlawful to gather or seek out food in any way on the Sabbath, as
ordered by God in Exodus 16:26;
- That it is unlawful for anyone to leave their home on the Sabbath as ordered by God
in Exodus 16:29;
- That it is unlawful for any work to be done on the Sabbath by people, slaves, or
animals as ordered by God in Exodus 20:10;
- That it is unlawful to make a fire on the Sabbath, as ordered by God in Exodus
35:3;
- That the punishment for breaking this law is death by stoning, as ordered by God
in Numbers 15:32-36 and Exodus
31:14 and Exodus 35:2.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby
reserves a sufficient quantity of rocks in State owned quarries to stone those
found cooking food, leaving their house, doing any work, starting a fire, or in
any other way profaning the Sabbath.
Clothing
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-521 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That all clothing worn in the State of Tennessee must have four tassels upon
them, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 22:12.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all people caught wearing clothes
without four tassels shall be immediately stripped, their clothes burned, and
all the people shall gaze upon their nakedness.
Bobbit Clause
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-522 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That it is unlawful for any woman to touch a man’s testicles with the
intention of harming him;
- That any woman touching a man’s testicles with intention to harm him, must
have her hand cut off,
- That it is unlawful for anybody to pity her, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy
25:11-12.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all lumberjacks must be trained and
licensed in using an axe to amputate a woman’s hand. Furthermore, all
people observing an amputation must cheer for joy. Any man caught pitying the
woman shall be hit in his testicles so that he may see why the punishment is
just. Any woman caught pitying her shall be fined 50 dollars.
Battlements
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-523 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That all houses built in the State of Tennessee must have a battlement upon the
roof, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy 22:8.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all houses without a battlement upon
the roof must be immediately burned, and all buildings to be built in the future
must be certified by the State to have a battlement.
Usury
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-524 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That no lender or lending institution shall charge interest on loans made to
needy people, as ordered by God in Exodus 22:25;
- That no lender or lending institution shall charge interest on loans made to
residents of Tennessee, but loans made to non-residents of Tennessee may accrue
interest, as ordered by God in Leviticus 25:36-37
and in Deuteronomy 23:19-20.
- That all debts, except those made to non-Tennesseans, must be cancelled every
seventh year, beginning with fiscal year 1996, as ordered by God in Deuteronomy
15:1-3.
- Further, no person or lending institution may refuse to loan money to any person
or business for any reason save not having the money to loan, as ordered by God
in Luke 6:35.
And to provide for the fulfillment of the law, the Tennessee Banking Commission
shall monitor all loans made within the State of Tennessee to ensure that they
are serviced properly. Any bank or individual who charges interest to a
Tennessean, shall have their assets frozen until such time as the General
Accounting Office can assess how much interest should be returned to the lendee.
Further, any bank or individual refusing to loan money to an individual or
business, shall have their assets seized and given to the loan applicants on a
first come, first serve basis.
All current loans are now declared interest free, and the
state of Tennessee will no longer pay any interest on state issued bonds.
Niggers and other Foreigners
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-525 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That all peoples who are descendants of Ham, Noah’s son, are supposed to
be slaves according to God'S will in Genesis 7:21-27.
The descendants of Ham are given in the Bible in Genesis 10 and they include the
Cushites (modern day Negroes), Mizraites (modern day Aborigines), Phutites (modern
day Melanesians, Micronesians, and Polynesians), and the Canaanites (modern day
Palestinians).
- That all Negroes, Aborigines, Melanesians, Micronesians, and Polynesians are to
return to their rightful owners from before the Emancipation Proclamation.
- That all peoples ordered by God to be slaves who cannot discover their
rightful owner shall turn themselves over to the State of Tennessee to be sold
as slaves.
- That slaves shall be sold by the State back to the rightful owners at the
Biblically prescribed values for slaves given in Leviticus
27:1-8, as follows:
| males from 20-60 years old |
50 shekels |
| females from 20-60 years old |
30 shekels |
| males from 5-20 years old |
20 shekels |
| females from 5-20 years old |
10 shekels |
| males from 1 month-5 years old |
5 shekels |
| females from 1 month-5 years old |
3 shekels |
| males older than 60 |
15 shekels |
| females older than 60 |
10 shekels |
| any slaves with deformities |
may be sold for less according
to the value that a priest shall
assign. |
Note: All transactions are pegged to the dollar with 3.17 shekels currently
equaling 1 dollar.
- That slavery is an everlasting institution and that slaves must obey their
masters in everything as ordered by God in Leviticus
25:44-46, Deuteronomy 15:17, Ephesians
6:5, Colossians 3:22, and Titus
2:9.
- That masters may beat their slave as much as they want as long as the slave does
not die the same day as the beating as ordered by God in Exodus
21:20-21.
- That a father may sell his daughter to pay off his debts. She shall be a slave
forever as ordered by God in Exodus 21:7-11.
- That all other people who are not Tennesseans may be bought and sold as slaves
as ordered by God in Leviticus 25:44-46.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, the State of Tennessee hereby creates
the Tennessee Department of Slavery to determine who belongs to whom so that
slaves may be returned to their rightful owners. All slaves must be registered
with the Department, and must be branded with their registration number. Further,
those Tennesseans who know of people who are rightfully their slave may
immediately capture them, brand them, and put them to work. Further, the State
hereby authorizes Universities and High Schools to purchase slaves to play on
their sports teams. In addition, the Department of Slavery shall be empowered to
hunt down runaway slaves and may set up border patrols to prevent escape into
surrounding heathen states.
Masturbation
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-13-511 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- Men shall not spill their seed upon the ground.
- Any man who spills his seed upon the ground is unclean
- When any uncleanliness chanceth upon any man by night, he shall remove himself
from the city limits until evening as ordered by God in Deuteronomy
23:10-11.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, a state-wide bussing program will be
enacted in the chartered cities of this state, henceforth to be called the Wet
Dream Express.
Textiles
Tennessee Pub Ch 542 (39-12-512 ?): [*23]
We the State Legislature of Tennessee, acting in accord with the will of the
people and the law of God, do hereby mandate:
- That it is unlawful for any person to wear any garments of mixed fabrics:
including but not limited to codpieces, shirts, blouses, brassieres, pants,
slacks, socks, shoes, boxer shorts, briefs, underwear, panties, prophylactics,
slips, hats, scarfs, mufflers, arm bands, hair ties, headbands, skorts, sashes,
longjohns, slippers, galoshes, bandanas, space suits, wet suits, aprons,
labcoats, face masks, leg warmers, spandex tights, condoms, bustiers, belts,
boots, or any other object which may be construed in a court of law as a garment;
where by mixed fabrics is meant any fabric containing more than one of the
following: cotton, linen, wool, felt, silk, burlap, flax, twill, oilcloth, wood,
bone, hair, foam, styrofoam, plastic, leather, feathers, fur, grass, straw,
plastic, hemp, shells, cambric, acetate, acrylic, aramid, glass, metallic, paper,
modacrylic, nylon, olefin, polyester, rayon, rubber, saran, spandex, triacetate,
or any other textile or fiber now in existence or to be developed in the future.
This includes metal support wires in bras, as ordered by God in Leviticus
19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:11.
To provide for the fulfillment of the law, all garments in stores statewide
containing mixed fabrics shall be burned, and any person found wearing such a
garment shall be stripped, their garments burned, and all the people shall gaze
upon their nakedness.
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