I’m telling you, Jill, I’ve never been happier, Linda told her friend. I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous…handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate.
What in the world do you need the second one for? Jill asked.
Oh, Linda replied,the second one is straight.
|Indian Name||English Name|
|Verdant Path, Friend of Black Musicians||Roedy Green|
|Big Wet Earth||Mahammud, peace be upon him.|
|Aerosmith Souix||Chuang Tsu|
|Hung Low Souix||Lao Tsu|
|Story Teller Without An Important Name||Mark Twain|
|Lock Opener||Ken Keyes|
|Horned Geek||Wehrner Erhard|
|(She) Buffalo Sniffer||Moses|
|Sad Burnt Skin||Wotan|
|Queen Golightly||Elizabeth Claire Prophet|
|Leaping Lizard||Elizabeth Taylor|
|Ironmaker in a Manger||Joseph Smith|
|Disappointed Father||Sai Baba|
|Cares Only About Himself||Ibliss|
|Duck à l’ananas, Floppy-Trunk Elephant,||Bob Dole|
|Conclusion Leaper, Stuttering Elephant||George Walker Bush|
|Mosquito Caller, Mincing Elephant||George Herbert Walker Bush|
|Gay Guys 'R Us||Gaius|
|Son of Buffalo Sniffer||Mozart|
Variants: instead of a Capuchin monkey, a black-handed monkey or a red-handed monkey.
Mom served her famous apple crumbly. Dad said, What did you put in this, it tastes gritty. Mom said It must have been that Italian flour. Farina, Farina. On the washing machine gesticulated mom to her Italian lover. He replied non farina, cest cimenté. Mom had made her apple crumbly from grout for the bathroom tiles. She often astonished us with her choice of ingredients.
Heaven looked just like a Philadelphia cream cheese commercials with fluffy white clouds, angels with wings and heavenly host singing Hallelujah, God is Wonderful, God is Great, God is Stupendous, God is Supreme, God is Magnificent, God’s true name is Bernie, etc. etc.
Bill thought that might be a little boring. He asked to see hell. There were good looking people of every imaginable type, gender and sexual persuasion waterskiing, and partying, using 1000 gigahertz computers, having sex hanging from chandeliers, drinking Dom Perignon and smoking joints the size of cigars. He thought about it for a while and said, God, I think I belong in hell. Is that your final answer? asked God, laughing to himself at His contemporary wit. Yes said Bill. Whoosh off he went to hell.
However, this time hell looked like something out of a Hieronymous Bosch painting. People were getting enemas with molten lead. Fire and brimstone were everywhere. Little devil creatures poked people with pitchforks forcing them to eat feces. Bill cried out, Oh lord, What gives? A voice with a rumble like thunder replied, That was just the demo, sucker. followed by peals of rumbling laughter.
Q: Does EMACS (Extensible Macro System) have Buddha nature?
A: Sure, why not? It has everything else.
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the dismal level of comfort in hell so he begins designing some improvements. He uses the fires of hell to generate electricity. He uses the electricity to manufacture things.
After a while they’ve got air conditioning and manufacturing plants. There he makes flush toilets and escalators. He wires hell with phones.
Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer So how’s it going down there in hell?
Satan replies Hey things are going great! Couldn’t be better. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies What? You’ve got an engineer? There’s been a mistake — he should never have gone down there; send him up here immediately.
Satan says No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.
God says Send him back up here or I’ll sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers “Yeah! Right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
The man says, I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,
I’ll have the same, says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. That will be $6.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke, and the ostrich says, I’ll have the same.
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening the two enter again.
The usual? asks the waitress. No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad, says the man. Same for me, says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, That will be $12.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?
Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
That’s brilliant, most people would wish for a million dollars, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live, said the waitress.
That’s right, whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.
The waitress asked, One other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies with a slight frown, My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
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