Do Enlist

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Do Enlist

1. Sadism

   You get to loot, kill, rape, torture children, adults, grandparents, animals — your pleasure with almost no chance you will spend time in jail for it. Unlike civilian serial killers, you might even get a medal for your exploits and you can brag about them freely to anyone with the stomach to listen. Of course, if you partake in the Iraq war, you automatically become an international war criminal, but at least for the time being, the USA is successfully blocking the court at the Hague from prosecuting American war criminals. Unfortunately, as the USA loses its #1 superpower status, it may no longer have the will protect you. Because there is no statute of limitations for war crimes, you will need shielding until you die a natural death.

2. Money

   If you can’t get a job, there is always the army. If you are short of cash, the first thing that comes to mind to any red blooded American boy is to kill someone to improve the situation. It never occurs to him that stealing from someone is a lesser imposition that killing them. It also never occurs there is far more shame in butchering a child, for any reason, than pushing a broom.

3. Respect

   If you can’t any respect, a uniform may help. Ignorant people might confuse you with a WW II vet who actually risked his life to protect his country. Many people will unthinkingly give respect to anyone in uniform, even if the joined out of purely selfish sadistic motives.

4. Submission

   You hate freedom. You consider yourself such a dufus that you think somebody else can run your life for you better than you can. You want to be told what to do in minute detail.

5. Homosexuality

   The thought of fit, sweaty young men couped up in a tent without a fresh change of underwear gives you an erection. Maybe without competition from women, you might just get lucky. At least you can hear and watch them whacking off in their bunks at night.

6. The free hat

   GoArmy.com offers various recruiting incentives including a free hat and video games.

7. Investments

   Some of you have invested heavily in ExxonMobil, Halliburton, Monsanto, Titan, CSC, Kellogg Brown & Root, Bechtel, the Carlyle Group, ChevronTexaco, Unocal etc. The more the war flares, the more money you make. You want to go to Iraq personally to see what you can do to keep the war rolling. You want to do everything you can to inspire revenge against the USA with the most evil deeds you or anyone else can possibly conceive. If you succeed, the war will never end.

8. Travel

   Travel to Iraq, the modern day name for Mesopotamia, the birthplace of human civilisation. Let your inner vandal out. Destroy precious artifacts thousands of years old. Think what fun target practice would be on stonework that Alexander the Great walked on. Previously you may have thought only the Taliban could get away with mass scale vandalism.

9. Corruption

   The USA has spent $300 billion on the Iraq war and there are no accountants keeping track. This means huge opportunities for corruption if you keep your eyes open.

10. Scholarship

    If you survive your 2+ tours in Iraq, you might negotiate a scholarship.

11. Social

    You are dumb as an ox, flunked out of grade 3, and live in a trailer park. All your friends support the USA in the war, in the same rah rah way they support the local football team. You have absolutely no idea why the USA is now killing ragheads instead of gooks, but you don’t care. Huntin’ raghead kids should be just as fun as yer daddy had wastin’ gook kids and spraying them with napalm and agent orange. You sign up because that’s what your kind of people do.

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